she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My feet surprised me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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