In the future we'll all be gay
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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