I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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