I just saw a hot homeless man
I CAN MOONWALK!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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