the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize