wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
