In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
