omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize