Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
