Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
