I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
