I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
