"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
