I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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