My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize