my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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