i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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