I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize