If that was your dad, he is hot
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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