fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
