T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
