Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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