Non-Jews are for practice
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
