I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
