Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
