She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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