Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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