he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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