areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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