when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
