You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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