There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
