Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
