I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize