Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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