chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
