Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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