what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
