Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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