Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize