apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
All the doctor said was why
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
