Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
