i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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