i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
