My hand turned me down
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
