I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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