i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
