I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
