Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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