a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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