Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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