it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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