Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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