also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize