Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
