I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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