Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
