I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
