so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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