Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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