I wish you could order shots online.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
