I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
