yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
