tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
