he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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