i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
