beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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