glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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