No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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