there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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